The Chemistry of Love

Valentine’s isn’t just for couples; and it isn’t just about chocolates and flowers. It’s about sharing compassion, love, forgiveness, kindness, thought and care with a loved one, a caregiver, your best friend, your romance or partner or even with yourself (aka self care). Your nervous system thrives every time you offer to someone else, or practice, any of those bolded value words above. This can be shown or practiced in a variety of ways, including simple gestures and positive actions.

Did you know that feelings of love and showing affection with even the slightest touch (done with positive intentions), create hormones such as oxytocin and neurotransmitters such as serotonin? These are feel good hormones/chemicals that create healthy and positive physiological reactions in our minds and bodies.

OXYTOCIN – The LOVE Hormone
Oxytocin rises when your brain detects safety, trust, and connection with others or yourself. Here’s how to increase your oxytocin levels:

Physical touch (one of the strongest triggers):
Some examples of physical touch include hugging (especially more than 20 seconds), cuddling, holding hands, massage, sex and orgasm and skin-to-skin contact (ie when a parent holds an infant against their skin, the baby thrives). Loving touch sends a direct signal of safety to the brain.

Emotional connection & trust:
Oxytocin rises when you feel seen and accepted. You can accomplish this through honest conversation, being listened to without judgment, expressing vulnerability and mutual eye contact (especially a slow, warm gaze). This also includes compassion for oneself, not just social connection.

Acts of care, kindness, and giving:
When we help or care for someone, or we are being cared for or helped, oxytocin increases (when we give or receive). You can also increase this hormone by expressing gratitude and caring for pets.

Self-compassion & forgiveness:
When we forgive ourselves for mistakes of the past or recent grievances, we feel less threatened and oxytocin can rise. Self-blame and shame keep the brain in threat mode which leads to higher cortisol levels. When you forgive yourself, self-attack mode quiets, cortisol levels decrease and the nervous system shifts towards safety. Oxytocin is suppressed by threat, so removing the threat opens the door for its release. Self-forgiveness often includes kind inner language, acceptance, emotional warmth toward yourself. Not always easy! And sometimes we need support to help navigate through this if it’s too challenging on your own. The good news is, the brain doesn’t distinguish between compassion for others and compassion for self! Both engage the caregiving / bonding circuitry, which releases oxytocin. Gentle self talk of self forgiveness, releasing shame and feeling emotionally safe with yourself can reduce stress very quickly so try practicing self compassion. Not sure where to start? Seek an experienced practitioner for support.

Parent–infant & caregiving bonding:
This releases huge amounts of oxytocin, especially with birth and breastfeeding, holding or
soothing a baby as well as caregiving roles towards adults or animals. Oxytocin supports
bonding and protective behaviors.

Calm, safe intimacy (not just sexual):
Feeling emotionally close to someone, feeling relaxed and unpressured during intimacy and trust-based affection will increase oxytocin levels.

What blocks oxytocin?

CORTISOL from:
- Chronic stress
- Shame and self-criticism
- Social isolation
- Fear-based environments

When Oxytocin is produced, it is a safety signal. Your brain releases it when it believes: “I am safe enough to connect.”

Other chemicals are produced when showing care to ourselves or others: 

Dopamine — Our Spark (pleasure & motivation)
- Rises with romantic kissing and anticipation
- Drives desire, excitement, and “wanting.”
- Reinforces the behavior (“do that again”)

This neurotransmitter (Dopamine) is highest early in attraction or new relationships.

Endorphins —The Soothing Chemicals (comfort & pain relief)
-Released with skin-to-skin contact, holding, and prolonged affection
- Reduces pain and creates feelings of warmth and contentment
- Similar to the effects of opioids (but naturally produced)

Serotonin — The Balancer (Mood Stability)
- Increases with secure, affectionate bonding
- Helps regulate mood and emotional steadiness
- Low serotonin is linked to anxiety and obsessive thinking

Norepinephrine — Butterflies (Alertness & Arousal)
- Elevates heart rate and focus
- Contributes to excitement and intensity
- Especially present in passionate or early-stage affection

Vasopressin — STAY CLOSE HORMONE (attachment & commitment)
- Released with physical intimacy, especially sexual touch
- Supports long-term bonding and pair attachment
- Works alongside oxytocin but emphasizes loyalty and protection

Prolactin — Satisfaction & Afterglow
- Rises after sexual intimacy and orgasm
- Promotes relaxation and emotional closeness
- Contributes to the calm, sleepy feeling afterward
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Affection works because it simultaneously signals safety (oxytocin, endorphins), creates pleasure and desire (dopamine), builds attachment (oxytocin, vasopressin) and lowers stress, which reduces cortisol. This goes to show whether romantic or not, simple touch can feel emotionally powerful and goes a long way. Sometimes you might not be “in the mood” but you can connect with your partner in many different ways through a variety of touch techniques. You can also share a “longer than usual” hug with a loved one. Or even a pat on the back to someone who might just need some encouragement. Not only will you boost their “feel good” chemicals, but you will also boost your own. Sounds good to me!